i can’t (it’s been awhile)

i can’t 

sometimes i can’t

just hold back tears.

from watching a tv show that pulls at your hearts strings

from hearing a sad or happy story 

from watching School of Rock.

yeah i teared up and still do every time the asian keyboardist says

"i’m not cool enough".

sometimes i can’t believe what i see,

when i perfectly understand the meaning surreal.

like your in the movie, but you have no clue what’s happening

and you feel outside yourself.

sometimes i can’t bare to think of all the pain i’ve caused.

to all my old high school friends i promised to stay in contact with,

the words i’ve said out of hate

the lies that flow out easier than admitting the truth.

sometimes i can’t see past myself

i get buried in selfishness.

i make a bed of it,

curl up in the sheets and dream dreams of me.

sometimes i can’t be more content.

like i’m warm, comfortable, loved

when any music i listen to just hitches my heart to itself

and carries it up and down the scales.

and yes, i teared up while writing those last two lines.

cause right now i’m in between.

like i can’t imagine love

jumping in front of a bullet love,

telling the truth all the time love,

asking “how are you?” and actually wanting to hear how nothing is alright.

i know WHAT it is,

i know WHO it was,

but i know i will never be that.

but i’m loved just the same.

i was loved 

YESTERDAY as i am

TODAY as i will be 

TOMORROW and has always been 

FOREVER.

and i can’t believe it.

despite me, 

screwing it up EVERY SINGLE TIME.

i heard this weekend that when we see how Holy God is,

then we realize how depraved we are

and then see how big the Cross is.

think that’s where i’m at.

i can’t believe it.

it just is

and that’s where the surreal feeling of it all starts.

like the Scripture actually moves out of the fog

and the words means more than words.

i can’t believe it.

but it just is.

and to the Cross is where i set my eyes.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever."

Hebrews 6:19-20

-Link

the reality of it

we don’t need to inherit the sins of our mothers and fathers.

the guilt of the night before

justifying our actions to numb our conscience

hiding the fact that we are all beautiful just beneath our insecurities.

we are broken

you know it

cause you’ve seen it.

in me

in you 

in us.

the fragile pieces of our shattered frame are wanted.

we have already been put back together,

fixed to function how we were actually meant to.

its that your dead

i was as well,

until i saw the perfect one

who was shattered for our:

guilt of the night before

justification our actions to numb our conscience

hiding our sins just beneath our insecurities 

we were made to love one in three.

and you know it.

cause even though your broken

you feel it.

life is so much more beautiful when your alive.

-Link

one of the most beautiful songs i’ve ever heard

blah blah blah

through the headphones

music carries everything down and out

through the wires.

head bobs and everything shakes out

beats play leap frogging over lyrical perfectionism

i forget that i’m in my house

with my headphones on.

remember that i was loved tonight

and tomorrow

and when i blamed it all on God

and when i took all the credit from God.

spray paint flies through the can’s nozzle

the paint holds my worries and dissipates into the dark 

the color stains my hands

and i smile.

i remember when i first knew i was loved

read that people fought spiritual wars for me to be here

my present and future is built on the backs of ones who sacrificed everything

so i smile 

smelling the paint

knowing the future is brighter 

brighter than the sun that blinds me.

all this from a track

all this from a God who is sovereign 

perfect

fully righteous and fully lovely.

so i bob my head back and forth

to the next track

and let the music carry me 

and i smile.

truth.
i need to know this everyday.

truth.

i need to know this everyday.

Levi the Poet

says a lot more than others

and says it passionately. 

-Link

that ship is in the middle of the ocean.
those waves are gaining confidence and will soon grow up.
that boat has little hope of making it out in one piece.
that picture sums up how i feel about life right now,
but in a good sense.
you may or may not know i am part of a church plant in South Florida.
we are called “The Anchor Church” (theanchorchurchfl.org)
i am beyond excited about how God is moving and setting things in motion.
there has been and is still too much going on to fit in here, 
but to sum it all up,
God is amazing.
i feel like i’m on that boat,
knowing that the seas are rising around me 
but having very little ability to move out of their way.
i’m excited, anxious, nervous, scared, humbled, overwhelmed
but so ready for the waves to crash
and wash all my preconceived notions on how small i believe God to be.
this is all becoming real
and its going to be huge.

-Link 

that ship is in the middle of the ocean.

those waves are gaining confidence and will soon grow up.

that boat has little hope of making it out in one piece.

that picture sums up how i feel about life right now,

but in a good sense.

you may or may not know i am part of a church plant in South Florida.

we are called “The Anchor Church” (theanchorchurchfl.org)

i am beyond excited about how God is moving and setting things in motion.

there has been and is still too much going on to fit in here, 

but to sum it all up,

God is amazing.

i feel like i’m on that boat,

knowing that the seas are rising around me 

but having very little ability to move out of their way.

i’m excited, anxious, nervous, scared, humbled, overwhelmed

but so ready for the waves to crash

and wash all my preconceived notions on how small i believe God to be.

this is all becoming real

and its going to be huge.

-Link 

we were….

were, past tense

as in, we used to be.

the message of the Cross is foolishness to those who are persishing

we were,

perishing that is.

i’ll right down all the good things i’ve done,

i’ll give me credit for the good things i’ve thought about doing.

like how i almost talked to that bum on the road

but thought “nah he just wants drugs”

i’ll credit my intentions.

put all those deeds in the left column

okay list done.

now write perfection.

in the right column, nice and bold

PERFECTION

draw a line between a good deed i’ve done

and where it connects with PERFECTION.

lines start out thinking they’ll make it across

but not one completes the route.

in short,

i’ve fallen short,

and my hope is tall that i’ll reach my goal

of losing weight

and tossing off sin

and looking back and saying “LOOK WHAT I’VE DONE GOD!!!

I’VE RESCUED A SOUL, ONE SOUL

MY SOUL, ITS ALL MINE!!!!”

and still my lines never make it across.

we were,

i was,

i am 

prideful

arrogant

a son who has traded his Father’s love

for the siren calls of lovers

who are full of their own holes.

gaps, circles, dark abyss

that spot in your chest that burns 

some call it a conscious.

Walt called it jiminy cricket.

i cry like a child

fists into the ground

pouting about how i’m owed everything

and how nothing is my fault.

i saved my soul yesterday

i swear it was clean and needing of nothing.

but i woke up

and i was still me.

we were,

i was,

seen as dirty, unwanted and hating

the only true love that ever cared enough to come down.

i spat on Him as He walked by carrying my cross.

i slipped on a Centurion suit and forced spikes through his flesh.

i saw Him bleed and did nothing

for my soul was hateful. 

i AM loved.

i AM forgiven.

i AM not my own.

for i WAS bought with a price.

we were enemies of PERFECTION

i was a son of hell

i AM redeemed

we ARE offered freedom

His Glorious Exchange

carries my lines of sorrow

and useless attempts

all the way home.

to PERFECTION

-Link

i sail on a ship named Hope
in the ocean called Grace

i sail on a ship named Hope
in the ocean called Grace

i’ve never killed anything

i’ve never actually killed something or someone

i’ve never taken a life with my bare hands

i mean, i’ve squashed a few bugs, shot some lizards

but nothing sizeable. nothing meaningful

so when You ask me to die i’m not quite sure how that’s supposed to go.

the idea of You living in me & through me is supernatural

and sounds all together wonderful,

but i’m stubborn & i’d like to think i have a handle on things.

i’ve ran this ship for so long that i’m starting to understand these seas.

i know how to handle my guilt,

mash it up with my shame and toss it.

toss it overboard with the other parts of me i hate,

but still, i got this.

i know You died,

You bled,

Your flesh was torn from your bones,

literally ripped like sheets of paper from a phonebook.

and still i don’t know how to die.

how do i stop something i’ve been doing for so long.

I DON’T WANT THIS EMPTINESS!

there is this hole in my hull that ocean water flows through.

i grasp at ghosts hoping that they fit the form of my gaping wound,

and still

nothing fulfills what it promises.

and yet, You.

like a silent gust from an off distant shore

i can feel the wind pass through my sails.

in my anxious movement i’ve forgotten what peace feels like.

its never overbearing, its never overwhelming.

it whispers when everything is yelling.

i want to

need to

i have to die.

so i’ll lay down my flesh,

unzip it down the back and slip out

soul bare for the world to see

and for the Son of Man to clean.

i have no recourse.

i have nothing to lean on.

You are the everything and the only One

who could pay for me.

this dirty, hardened, calloused soul

wanting nothing to do with Perfection & Love.

dead men cannot call out to the Living.

the God-Man calls unto the lifeless.

i did not know how to kill anything

because i was born into darkness.

-Link